I made a decision and Lent

After weeks of up and down and just getting more and more frustrated I finally made a decision.  Some might not think this is the best decision but this is my life and I am the one that has to live it.  I have been thinking about this for a while now.  I didn't come to this decision on my own.  I talked to my husband and my mom and a great friend about it and they all felt that with a second opinion if I wanted to go down this path that it made sense. 

The last time I lost most of my weight I used an appetite suppressant called phentermine.  It worked great but I still had to watch what I ate and exercise.  And Boy did I exercise!  I was running 5K's in under 40 mins.  I felt the best I had felt in a long time.  I was eating healthy and drinking tons of water.  I had really changed my life around.  Then I got pregnant and well we all know what my pregnancy with Lacee was like and I ended up slipping right back into old patterns.  I truly believe that if I had a normal pregnancy with much less stress that I could have maintained my healthy lifestyle.  There were some medical reasons I gained more weight but there was definitely some major stress factors that contributed. 

After having Lacee I was working hard at losing the weight again.  I did phentermine again and it worked great but I didn't work like I did before.  I didn't change my eating habits like I should and exercise like I should.  I didn't change my life and when I stopped taking it I stopped trying.  I ate what I wanted and didn't do any exercise.  I just quit.  And I gained back almost all that I lost.  Between crazy family stuff, holidays and Chad losing his job and then finding one where he was working 70 hours a week and I became for the most part a single mom.  I preferred getting fast food than cooking because it was less to clean up when I had to get both girls a bath and get them in bed.  I didn't have time to clean too.   Please don't think these are excuses because they aren't.  They are just reasons why I made the choices I made.

So back to the decision that I made.  After getting a second opinion I am now taking the phentermine again. I am also doing weight watchers.  I am still following the entire weight watchers plan with points and tracking.  I will be continuing that even after I stop taking the medication.  I am hoping to only take the medication for 1 round which is 4 months.  This should get me over the hump because all I do is think about food and 99% of the time I am hungry when I am thinking about the food.  I am tried of obsessing about food. My plan might blow up in my face but I am willing to take a chance and see what happens. 

Today is the start of Lent.  I went to Ash Wednesday Service tonight and my UMW group provided a meal for those in attendance.  It was a good night.  I still haven't decided what I want to give up for Lent.  I really want to give up something of significance but I am not sure what that would be.  I would love to make it something like giving up not exercising.  I am not sure if that is an option or not but I think making sure to move for at least 30 mins the next 40 days could be great but I am not sure if this is the sacrifice that they are intending.  So I guess that is my plan ... I am going to give up NOT exercising! 

I am not sure about these blogs and how much they are really helping me ... I keep doing them because I am hoping they are a going to be an outlet for me but sometimes I am not so sure. 

The best made plans

The best made plans never turn out the way you have planned.  My plan to celebrate my birthday just 1 or 2 days did not work.  I ended up being off the weight watchers wagon for an entire week.  I weighed in this morning and I lost 1.2 lbs.  I am sure it is just a fluke.  There were days that I did better than others but I really was bad! I am starting back today and here is hoping I can get back on track!

Everyday

Everyday I look in the mirror I see what I'm not. This weight loss struggle is especially hard because I am doing it for myself. I no longer am trying to impress anyone, I learned long ago there is no use. So I stare at my body and think "what is so wrong with me?" I bury the pain. The anxiety reigns. I try to convince myself that I am beautiful, but I just don't see it. My heart is broken. I struggle everyday. But I am TRYING. That I believe is key. I just want to feel great. Can I do it with weight loss? I hope so...I really hope so

Why?

Why do I sabotage? 

We already talked about the whole lack of progress thing a few days ago...Well there are other reasons why I sabotage.

It is so hard to lose weight when you are married and happy!  It really is!  My husband wants me just as much as the day we got married if not more and he loves me.  I am really blessed but dammit if it doesn't make it harder to lose weight.  I associate being thin with getting a guy!  I know this isn't true but I do and I have my guy and he loves me just the way I am so why change? 

For myself!  Right?!  I need to do it because I want to be healthier BUT I don't have any health issues now that are pushing me to need to lose weight now right now. 

Mostly I am doing this for looks and because I need to get back into my smaller clothes.  Sometimes that isn't motivation enough to keep me going and I end up sabotaging my progress and then giving up all together. 

Then I start the cycle all over again.  They say that Being Thin is better than that stuff tastes but in the moment I can't remember being thin enough to make it through.  

Maybe I am just weak.  I am so strong in my life as a wife and mom and my job but when it comes to weight loss I am weak.  Losing weight and changing your life is hard.  It is HARD as hell.  And I am not sure I am strong enough to do it.

2/4/2013 Weigh In

So I weighed in today and I lost 1.8! I am happy with that!  It is a great birthday present!  I will be 31 on Thursday and I am happy with what I can do.  Normally I would wait and do what I wanted on Thursday but since that is so close to my weigh IN I am not going to.  I have a plan to eat my cake and pizza tonight and then I have 6 days.  I am going to keep it with in my extra weekly points.  Normally like to keep 20-30 points but this week is special so I am going to plan to use my extra points more than normal! So Happy Birthday to me and Happy Weight Loss to me!

Venom

Hate,
Dribbles down your chin
Like Venom
You spit at me
Like it matters
Aiming to hurt
To kill
The light inside
But it won't be extinguished
With your verbal tirade
You just remind me
This decision that I made
is right
for me....
I didn't want this
I didn't ask
for this
pain
Venom
you spit at me
Like it really matters,
but if you don't see
it matters
to me.

Sweet Nothing

Ok, so we are using this as a way to express ourselves...i have the tendency to introvert, and I go inside when i am depressed or upset...i get so insecure, i am ashamed.  But maybe here i can express how i feel, without judgement or recourse.  I am typically very positive, but how can i keep that up without getting this out?  Tonight I must speak....

I am barely holding on here...i fight everyday to not self destruct.  This week alone I resisted the urge to go to the BRAND NEW Krispy Kreme so many times, I can't remember how many...My tendencies to overeat have gotten so out of control.  You see, I am going thorough one of the toughest things in my life.  I am getting a divorce.  The love of my life, has chosen something else over me and our child.  He chooses alcohol.  And if that was not enough, my father has been very ill for a very LONG time.  He has been in the hospital so many times, it seems routine.  Now he has been transferred to a "specialized nursing care" facility and I PRAY that he will start to recover quickly

I just want to eat.  I just want to eat everything. What would that accomplish?  More agony...So here I sit, not eating.  Maybe I will write.  I am a writer...i can get it out that way...???

Frustrated

So I have this really bad habit of weighing myself too much!  I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself.  Then I get all frustrated when I see a gain or no movement.  It is esp. frustrating when I have been busting my tail and really watching my food intake.  I also want to see results right away because I am seriously impatient!  I am inpatient in all my life not just weight loss.  I tend to get all excited but as soon as something doesn't go how I think it should or I am not seeing what I want to see in the time that I think I should see it in I quit.  Then I feel worse than I did before I started.  It is a vicious cycle and I am trying to NOT do that again!  I have been very dedicated to my weight watcher points and I have been doing at least a small amount of exercise every day if not working out really hard!  I just wanted to get this out.  Sometimes talking about my flaws and failures helps me keep from repeating it!  I also went to pinterest to find some motivation!

2/2/2013 work out

2/2/2013 I did 40 mins on the treadmill but I didn't just walk it!  I simulated hills! I did a warm up and cool down of course at 2.5-3.0 mph, 5 mins at the beginning and end.  The other 30 mins I set the speed constant at 3.4 and I adjusted the incline from 0-10 in different increments throughout the walk.  It was a great work out!  I am excited about my work out today and proud of myself for getting up and moving!

My February 2013 Work Out Calendar

I love the work out calendars I have been seeing but none of them were for me so I decided to do my own!  Here is to a great Feb!  Oh and Happy Birthday to me!

Also here are a few motivators!